Thanks IBM support chat. You are the worst.


The following is a completely real chat between me and IBM Websphere is fucking terrible

Chat InformationPlease wait for your IBM Sales Consultant to respond.
Chat InformationYou are now chatting with ‘Brian P.’
you: Hi Brian
you: I have a quick question about the eCommerce Edition of Websphere
Brian P.: Welcome to IBM’s Pre-Sales Chat.
you: I’m compiling a report regarding the features of websphere
you: I want to know if Jquery sliders, as well as other Jquery features are enabled by default
Brian P.: To be honest, your best bet is to use Google.
Brian P.: It is the easiest way to find information
Brian P.: I used IBM Websphere%Jquery sliders and found information
you: What is google?
you: Sorry, what is a google?
Brian P.:
you: is this a feature of websphere?
Brian P.: No, it is an application online that helps you find information
you: so if I buy websphere, I will get this google
Brian P.: Sterling Commerce was execellent at adding information to the web
Brian P.: No, Google is a search engine for information
you: So how do I buy a google
Brian P.: Google is a search engine only
Brian P.: Go to
Brian P.: For information only
you: I just had a word with my boss, and she is very interested in buying a google for our enterprise
you: How much is this engine?
Brian P.: This search engine is free
Brian P.: go to
you: We do want the IBM google
you: We don’t trust such an unknown company, we prefer to work with IBM
Brian P.: Ok, may I have your name, company name, and address?
you: Thank You Brian P, I have all the information I require. much success.

The first time I got published in a newspaper, I was 11 and it was about Starcraft

My article in The Peak, SFU's student newspaper from July 20, 1998

When I crawl into my bed in dire need of REM sleep in order to prepare for what lies ahead tomorrow, I will often have moments where I’ll frantically dart up and scream “I NEED TO BLOG ABOUT SOMETHING THAT I DID 14 YEARS AGO BECAUSE IT’S IRONIC”.  This is one of those moments.



Much like other children in their preteens, my parents sent me to a summer day camp.  As a child, summer was a highly coveted climax to my year where: A. my birthday took place (with a party usually shared with my sister, born 4 days apart where I never got to choose the cake) and B.  I was able to catch up on “Days of Our Lives”.  Remember that time that girl John was dating pretended to have a baby but it was actually just a stuffed pad, and Hope never said anything and just cried all the time?  I mean, talk about foreshadowing my life, am I right?



Anyway, as a kid I was really into playing baseball (surprising) and soccer (even more surprising) and in previous years my parents had sent me to a sports summer camp to eliminate my huskiness (less surprising).  But I was a grown ass grade 6 man now, so I got sent to Simon Fraser University’s “Mini University” summer camp (my alma mater, which is a word I just looked up).  So not only did I had to go to school during the summer, I had to go to university.  Long story short, asides from eating Pizza Pockets for lunch and playing illegally installed copies of Sim City 2000 all day, I really didn’t do much.



However, I did have the opportunity to write an article for The Peak, which is the student paper for SFU.  Clearly, I had no choice but to write about my new passion in life, which was Starcraft.  Nowadays, most of my writing consists of me tweeting inane things such as “I want to basketball” or getting called a “supremely stupid person” by a best selling author on twitter.  But, as you can see from the image above, I was a literary genius from a young age and had the skills to be the next Salinger or Shakespeare.  But then there was Vincent.



Whoever Vincent was isn’t really important.  This fact is well established due to the fact that I have no recollection of who he was as a person.  He might even be dead – or worse, Wiccan.  However, what is important is that Vincent was the “editor” of this story and thought that using the word “race” was too taboo in describing a video game with aliens and changed it to “cultures” instead.  I remember actually getting a copy of The Peak when it published and softly muttering “son of a bitch” under my breath after reading the edit.  The problem wasn’t so much that edits were made to the article without my permission.  The problem was that the edits made me look like a complete idiot.



An 11 year old idiot.



So now, whenever anyone asks me if I get the show “The Newsroom” I just say “buddy, you have no idea”.



If you actually want to see the LEGIT pdf scan of this from the offical SFU website, click here

Building a game in 48 hours at the Toronto Global Game Jam!


The coolest thing I’ve heard about this year is the Toronto Global Game Jam!  For 48 hours, over 300 people are going to be gathered in teams to build a new game from the ground up, with hundreds of cities around the world doing the same thing on the same weekend.  I have no idea what is going to happen, but it sounds like a nerd fest of epic proportions.  I’m looking for a team to join, so if you are looking for someone with some product and writing skills – shoot me an email @ contact (at)

For more info, follow @Torontoggjam and @IGDAToronto on twitter – see y’all there yo.